who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
