I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
