So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
