Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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