she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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