Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
