I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
