Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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