Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
