4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
