she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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