Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
