I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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