My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
