I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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