Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize