If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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