Your face is a jimmy john
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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