The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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