You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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