You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
