i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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