Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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