She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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