this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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