The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
