i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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