Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
