I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
