All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
