guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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