even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
