On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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