I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
