We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
