He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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