I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
