I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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