when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
