I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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