The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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