Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
