drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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