im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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