I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
