Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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