i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
