A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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