His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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