just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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