He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so let's talk penis.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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