i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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