Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
