Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
