Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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