Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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