I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
