you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just sent this text using only my big toe
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize