Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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