I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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