Tell her she can't have a vagina
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
