I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
