I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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