Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
