You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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