highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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