Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
