Apparently you make a good broom.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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