Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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