just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Someone shattered a urinal.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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